"As far as I'm concerned your doing the right thing...well...actually...the only option you have left...at this point. I'm sure it wasn't plan A, but when UNsocial services gets involved it can make you downright psychotic. I'm sorry to say that it sounds as though Tanka isn't going to change any time soon...at least until she hits rock bottom...especially when Unsocial services is reinforcing her behavior and allowing it to continue."
end quote.
Thanks for your comments, WebGizmos....and sadly, you're right about Tanka not changing until she hits rock bottom, not while the govt and its lackies are facilitating everything she requires/demands, etc. Trouble is, with the threats received to date, rock bottom could be alot lower than anyone wants....we're constantly living in fear of a knock at the door from police with bad news.
Tanka is in severe need of urgent assisance with a number of issues, but instead of trying to address these, Unsocial Services seems to think that requires too much time, money and effort...it's simply too much trouble and they'd rather wait until something snaps which enables them to use the easy option of just locking her up.
Thanks, NT, if you could provide links to other forums that relate to such issues, it'll be greatly appreciated.....though not feeling 'entirely alone is' near nigh impossible at times, being that I'm mobility challenged to some extent and can't get out as much to attend support groups, etc.
Mostly I have to rely on the phone and internet for outside contact/communication, which is why I ended up here, I guess. Okay, so this is a skinning site, and maybe this forum (to some) is not the right place for this, but after exhausting every other avenue I could think of for advice, support, help....anything useful, I ended up her cos it sorta feels like a second home, albeit on the WWW.
Furthermore, for those who are none the wiser as to what's going on in this world in respect to this, I also thought it to be useful information....as in fore-warned is fore-armed. So, maybe it's not happening in your, town/city/state country right now, but this trend of govt inaction/neglect and 'supposed' child emancipation is growing at an alarming rate worldwide.
Having said that, my apologies once again and I shall leave it there, posting again on this subject only to reply to questions, etc.
Edit...don't know why The yellow quote thing continued after quoting WebGizmos  and don't know how to change it...hope you can figure out where I recommenced afterwards. 
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Considering the problems we have had with Unsocial services, it's probably a good thing that we live in different states. Something tells me we'd be looking for a high tower to hang out in. 
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sir starkers my heart and prayers go out to you and keep breathing and praying and try to remember they say god never gives you more than you can handle even though it it may not seem like it and remember the footprint's i am sure you7 have seen it
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Hnag in there. Starkers! She'll come around..but it might take a while. You have done all you could. Now it's up to her. All you can do is love 'em.
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Do what you need to do to get your health up to scratch....you and your wife deserve to be in good health...as for the girl she may or may not work it out.Just hang in there mate....as we all know state governments are only there to stuff everything up for every body...and wont act until the ball is in there court...you and your wife did the rite thing..would be best to rest up and relax 4 a while.
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Hang in there mate, while I have no doubt that this would'vr been one of the hardest decisions you've had to make, I also believe it was ultimately the ONLY thing you could do.
On our front: well the child welfare agency dealing with our situation is finally taking this VERY seriously indeed, and we are expecting a good outcome.
The boy's father and stepmum have finally been involved ( we would've told them ourselves earlier, but didn't know how to get in touch with them), and they are completely on our side.
After all, if he'd been getting the help that he desperately needed from the start I wouldn't be sitting here typing this missel.
And ultimately, all we want is what's best for BOTH children.
My daughter's mother (while a very dangerous fruitloop to say the least) has been getting pretty desperate lately, slapping a non-trespass order on my wife and myself even though we have given her absolutely no reason to, as there have been no abusive ph calls or any form of retaliation from us at all. We've been keeping very quiet figuring that she'll screw up with out any help from us.
Plus (and this what she just doesn't get at all) it's not about her at all, but about the children.
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I'm sorry to read about your situation starkers, I had a simalar problem with the chidren in my first marriage,but after time and a lot of soul searching (on both sides) all of us get on great now. The only comfort I can give you and your wife is, things like this have a way of sorting them selves out, I know that's not a big help at the momment but like every one's already told you 'Keep Breathing' and keep the faith. Time is the great healer. Good Luck.
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Musical Mayhem....it's good to know that something better is happening on your end. I hope it all turns out well for both you and your wife....and especially for your daughter.
As for the sitting back and letting her screw it up.....good thinking. That's what I told my wife when she was battling Tanka's natural father here in the Family Court, and I was right, having witnessed for myself how irrational/irresponsible and desperate a piece of lowlife he was, even before the court case. In fact he is the reason we are having such trouble with Tanka now....by virtue of the fact that he abused her when she was quite young, with the least of desirable behaviour now emanating from the scars she carries through never receiving justice or some kind of closure on his abominable actions.
I have fought and argued with various authorities for the last 9 years to get justice for this girl, but very much to my/our annoyance, it always came to a dead end, not enough evidence...."Go away!" Eventually a judge put a gag on us and threatened severe consequences should we ever raise the matter again.....
No wonder the poor kid turned out to be so rebellious/anti-social/defiant and promiscuous (a frequent symptom of childhood abuse)......she has been betrayed, firstly by her natural father, then the system that's supposed to protect her and punish those who harm her.
Seems to me the mongrel didn't have a high enough profile....had he been a priest or school teacher, my bet is that he'd be behind bars right now. It's more about glory than justice...too many 'small fry' offenders slip through the cracks because there's no glory in it for the police, prosecutors, judges, etc.....it's all too much @$&#$*% effort, my faith in any of them, since this debacle, gone permanently.
Yep, that's right....Tanka is not of my blood, but I've known her since she was 3 years of age, been her step-father for the last 9 years, and she may as well be my very own daughter for the sleepless nights, the stress and anxiety I feel for her wellbeing and safety.....the fear that courses throughout my entire body for her every time there's a knock at the door from police.
The nightmare is no less for me than her mother....paternity is irrelevant!
Take care MM, I gotta be elsewhere>
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Parenthood is a behavior, not a birthright. 
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Starkers, You have done all that you can do, without getting yourself into trouble with your gov't. Seems like there is always a "catch 22", our hands can get tied when our intentions are in the best interests of all parties. As I do not know the Law in the Land of Oz, I wouldn't assume to give legal advice, but I do think that with all you've given in the forum, there is nothing left BUT to give over to the State the "rights" to supervise and govern your stepdaughter. I can only imagine what your wife is going through with this, and my heart goes out to her as well.
You might find Tanka, even though you remove yourselves far from these crises, on your doorstep in three years, begging for your help and love. What you might do now, is prepare yourself for what you will committ to at that time. Soemthing to think about.
And what does her natural father have to say about all this, or is he shunning the events?
Now is the time for you to focus on healing your body. These stresses can cause too much havoc to describe. Take time to be well with yourself, and help your wife through. Time to be the strong one, while you still can. You must keep the bond between you and your wife strong!  This would be my priority. This events of the past months can take their toll on your relationship, and just because Tanka will be W.O.T.State doesn't mean it's all over with.
I wish you well, Starkers and the MRS. Keep your humor about you, my friend. In the end, all is for a reason. Tanka will find purpose (other than strife to you).
I have a step-daughter myself. I have been her father since she was 3, now 16. I understand your feelings. With positvie thinking, Tanka may possibly make it through all her bad decisions without major damage. Keep your faith in God as you understand Him, and keep the head high. And smile when it hurts, Starkers.
No matter where you finally light, far away from where you dwell now, keep in touch with us here at the WC. Isn't it strange to have some unknown bond with someone you have never met, thousands of miles away, through text only?
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| Parenthood is a behavior, not a birthright. |
Man that is SO true! 
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| Parenthood is a behavior, not a birthright. |
Man that is SO true!
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| Parenthood is a behavior, not a birthright. |
I would have to disagree with that. Obviously children don't come with a handbook on how to raise them, but its still your child and your right to learn how and raise them, unless of course we now live in a dictatorship and this government is now going to tell us how to live our lives. Personally I want to government to mind its own business. When you start to relinquish your right to raise your child, you are headed down a very dangerous path. The ONLY time anyone should step in is if your abusing your child. Other than that, everyone else should mind their own business.
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| I would have to disagree with that. |
I don't think you understood my meaning. What I mean is, just because someone is the biological parent doesn't mean they are a parent. Being a parent is a behavior in the sense that if they are the supporter, nurturer, the one that feeds them, worries for them, clothes them, does their homework with them, is there for them, and loves them, then they are exibiting parenthood and are the childs parent. In other words the jerk who fathered my child has never in 31 years contributed to her well being, nor talked with her, at his choice. He is NOT her dad. He is nothing more than the donor. My husband is her dad, and she will tell you that. He is the one that does all the things a father should do, and has done it for years. I was not refering to whether or not anyone is a good or bad parent, but whether they are a mom or dad. It all boils down to a behavior, not a birthright. I just wanted Starkers to know he is everybit that childs Father as if she was his own.
And as far as the government sticking their nose in family's the way they do, I am in total agreeance with you.
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| [clwoods] Parenthood is a behavior, not a birthright. |
I couldn't have said it better myself. Tanka's natural father never qualified in either category....behaviour wise he was abominable towards her...birthright wise, he never behaved as a true father should/would. Many a time I had to speak to him about his attitude and behaviour towards her...and though he appeared to be listening, it all fell on deaf ears. Eventually I had to become physical with him to protect Tanka from his nasty dispositition....and had I known of the sexual abuse at the time (she was 3), I doubt he'd be breathing now. It wasn't long after I had beaten the crap out of him that Shaunna (my wife) left him and landed on my doorstep.....the rest, they say, is history.
When there are children involved, marriage is a package deal...you accept the child/children of your new partner. I did that, and in so doing, I made Tanka a solemn promise that I would never ever harm her like her father did.....have never as much as raised a hand in anger, much less ever smacked her. As difficult as it seemed at times, I always found that with a little time and patience I could reason with her and we'd resolve together any little issues. In fact, we had a wonderful father-daughter relationship.....so I guess that's why I'm at such a loss now to understand why I cannot reach her now....always could in the past.
And what does her natural father have to say about all this, or is he shunning the events? |
Tanka has point blank refused to see him for almost 6 years now....though prior to that , despite the abuse, The Family Court (idiots) awarded him access/visitation rights. However, when Tanka was informed that at 10 she could decide if she wanted to see him or not, she just stopped going....and since being questioned by police about the abuse, he wants nothing more to do with her.
Marriage-children.....a blessing, a priveledge, a joyous time/event, something to behold as being wonderful and precious, but obviously Tanka's natural father had too many sheep loose in the top paddock to appreciate and value what he had....changing for the absolute worst rather than the better.
Stangely enough, although in some cases, I guess, not so strange, some people think that once they put the ring on anothers' finger, it means OWNERSHIP, that anything (including children) derived from that union is a chattel to do with as they wish....sad but true.
| No matter where you finally light, far away from where you dwell now, keep in touch with us here at the WC. Isn't it strange to have some unknown bond with someone you have never met, thousands of miles away, through text only? |
Yes, isn't it wonderful...that bonds can exist over great distances, and through text alone, without ever having actually met. When one feels betrayed by the world and feels like it has all turned to crap, it's things like this that give me hope that humanity has a hope.
And no matter, where ever I may roam, you can be sure I'll not wander far from WC or the great community of people here....moving from one city to another is one thing, leaving WC...NEVER!!! Sometimes, particularly late at night and all is quiet, WC is the link that helps me keep my feet on the ground, my chin up and prevents me crossing from sanity to insanity when things feel at their worst.
BTW...I normally do not use expletives to express myself, but recently I just could not stop myself when in the offices of the Dept of Families.
They have a large poster on the wall that says: "CHILD PROTECTION...IT"S EVERYBODY'S RESPONSIBILITY"...and there I am, listening to some pathetic babbling excuse as to why they could not act in Tanka's better interests, or alternatively, allow us to. Well I just went ballistic...pointed to the poster and let loose a barrage condemning comments that frequently included expletives....I even used the C word, which from me, is as rare as rocking horse manure. Yep, I just lost it!
Later a berating phone call arrived from the Minister's office...with some remark relating to, 'how do you expect us to co-operate with you when.....'
My reply: "If you had been co-operating in the first place and offered some genuine assistance, I'd have not been backed into a corner where I was eventually bound to lose my damned temper!!" (expletives edited), prior to slamming down the phone.
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| When you start to relinquish your right to raise your child, you are headed down a very dangerous path. |
I fully understand your point of view, and in different circumstances, I would fight every inch of the way to retain our parental rights. However, the Dept of Families here has seen fit to allow Tanka to run away from home without due cause and is supporting her decision 100%....whilst excluding my wife and I from any kind of decision making regarding the child's best interests, etc, etc. They have NOT done this legally, as in assuming guardianship rights/status, but rather by bowing to the irrational wishes and ideals of a 15 year old girl who doesn't want to live at home with rules, restrictions and some guidelines as to what's best for her.
The situation is insane....that a 15 yo girl can play the system for all it's worth, while we as parents have been threatened with various charges should we try to intervene in her decisions/chosen lifestyle. Given that we CANNOT act in her better interests under these circumstances, we are handing over guardianship to the State....and believe me, this is something the Minister does NOT want, given his frequent complaints about having too few financial resources, blah, blah, blah.
Our decision automatically cuts the Federal funding being received by the Dept of Families....and Tanka loses her Homeless Allowance to spend as she pleases....hence, no pocket money and both sides see where their bread is best buttered.
Our decision also places responibility on the Minister to provide in every respect for Tanka's every need for the next 2 years and 5 months. Furthermore, he then is also responsible for her behaviour, its repercussions/consequences and bad publicity, as well as possible legal representations/needs, etc, etc.
I have researched the matter and once Tanka becomes a Ward of State, she will be placed in a safe/supervised home environment of their choosing...she will be made to go to school and attend all other required functions, etc....she will be curfewed and monitored so she cannot freely roam as she pleases, as is the case now...she will be required to give notice of and account for her whereabouts at all times......something she's going to hate, but for us as loving, caring parents, it's much preferable to the current situation
This will remain in effect until May 2008. Tanka was offered much better and viable alternative but flatly rejected them all...the Miinister's office and his subordinates were also given ample opportunity to act appropriately but stood by a policy of inaction, thus holding us to ransom via threats.....by saying that we're allowed to care but not to intervene to protect her, etc. In essence, then, we are parents in spirit only, without parental rights, abilities and or controls, etc, and to us, that is totally unacceptable....that a politician and his bumbling bureaucrats can eliminate us from our child's life. So by removing ourselves from the equation, we remove the threats; the frustration of inaction; the feeling of responsibility without ability; the lies and deciet of both parties; the stress and anxiety of a most inequitable situation....thus reducing health related issues/risks.
I'm sorry, Webgizmos, if you don't agree, but we've exhausted every other avenue and came up empty handed, so if you have a better alternative, please tell me what it is....because in this case, this govt won't mind its own business and we're hogtied.
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Ok...I gotcha Cindi....In that sense I agree with you.
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Starkers...I don't disagree with anything you've done so far. Like I said...I've been in a simliar situation regarding Unsocial services, so I know right where your coming from.
| When you start to relinquish your right to raise your child, you are headed down a very dangerous path. |
That statement wasn't to mean that you are relinquishing anything Starkers...you've made it perfectly clear that you've done everything humanly possible to do the right thing. But the time comes when you have to stop beating a dead horse. When Unsocial services gets involved it usually ends in disaster. So in that respect your not doing anything I wouldn't be doing.
That statement was just a misunderstanding of what Cindi was saying.
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| In that sense I agree with you. |
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22# Thanks, Webgizmos, I/we appreciate that.
I suppose another factor thar greatly infuenced our decision was a rather snide comment by a case worker suggesting that if we didn't get off their backs, life could be made somewhat less pleasant for us. I perceived that as a direct threat....go away or else.....!
Also, the same case worker told us Friday that she or one of her colleagues must be present during all meetings/discussions between ourselves and Tanka....and such would occur at their sole discretion/convenience, not ours, not Tanka's.
Unfortunately, Tanka isn't ready to come home right now because she enjoying her new found freedom too much, as well as a fortnightly allowance that more than quadruples her pocket money here. However, she is sadly mistaken in her belief that she has found an ally that will help perpetuate this and allow her continue on as is, minus the rules, guidelines and/or restictions society expects of us. She will soon discover that the Dept of Families will become her enemy as equally as it is ours.
In her desperation to grow up and be treated as an adult, we tried (obviously in vain) to impress upon her that even as adults we must live by the rules, that there are consequences for breaking them, so eventually the noose at the end of the rope they're allowing must ineveitably tighten well beyond her comfort zone, given her recent behaviour and clear intent to continue as is. Various sources in officialdom have clearly indicated that her soon to be destination is a child detention centre/prison.
Tanka fears punishment/discipline being meted out, and being that she has a friend who is a Ward of State, and she is fully aware of the imposed restrictions and less than happy lifestyle, as compared to her own here, she is less likely to deviate and behave more appropriately. So by replacing the disciplinary void she's presently manipulating and enjoying without fear of consequence, with an authority that can and will implement the necessary controls and disciplines, etc, we are in fact enforcing the preferable alternative, even to her.
No. it certainly wasn't plan A....and we went right through the alphabet desperately seeking an alternative to plan Z, which is this one as it saves her from alot worse fates.
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