Understanding "Understanding the Universe"

All the answers you didn't want but were too afraid to question

It has been a while sinces I've added to this series so I'll give those later comers a chance to catch-up. Warning: contains ultra-geeky references.

Part 1: Intro
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Part 2
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Part 3
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Part 4
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Part 5
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Part 6
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Understanding "Understanding the Universe"

It has come to my attention that my articles may be a bit confusing to the layperson. I could gripe about the general intelligence of the layperson but since this is the demographic I am trying to reach this would be rather counter productive. Besides I'd much rather insult my audience directly rather than gripe about them in a general sense, it's just common decency.

To help answer some of your questions about this series of (absolutely superb, wonderfully written and incredibly intelligent) articles I shall answer questions sent in by my audience. I have received numerous emails and letters over the course of the past year. Feel free to send me more questions about this series via the message board.

"In part 3 you say that the purest form of existence is nothingness. This statement seems to be a contradiction in terms." - Billy Bob.

Good question Billy Bob. This is a little confusing because existence is its own opposite. Everything that exists includes the opposite of everything; therefore the sum total of everything cancels itself out.

Think of a piece of clay without form, well nothingness is existence without form or definition. Nothingness is the substrate of reality. You see Bob, your father never loved you and that is why you are such a dumb-arse. I wouldn't expect you to understand.

"The equation 0 = 1 = infinity + - infinity = 0 in part 5 makes no mathematical sense." - Freddy Holden-Baker

It isn't a mathematical equation, it's an existential equation. 0 = nothing, 1 = something and infinity = everything. You = inbred shit for brains.

"The concept of things popping out of nothingness is illogical. Nothing can come from nothing." - Cindy Cheesemaker

Before things came into existence logic didn't exist therefore whether or not the concept is logical is a moot point. Besides your armpits smell like blue cheese and I've heard that you exhibit extreme sexual promiscuity with multitudes of miscreants. Therefore anything you say is automatically invalid.

"I like fart, poo and wee jokes, can you put more of those sort of jokes into your articles? Once I did a fart a poo and a wee all at once and it was all squishy." - "Little" Timmy Hilton, the lesser known Hilton heir (age 4)

I think your question can permanently fill my quota for all flatulence, faeces and urine references for all time as I am far too mature for that sort of lowest common denominator joke. By the way Timmy you should know that Santa Claus doesn't exist, because I shot him. Also give my "love" to your slutty not-very-attractive-but-reasonably-good-shag older sister Paris, I do hope the shin guards I sent her for Christmas come in handy...he he he "come in handy"

"I am a member of the Righteous Brothers of the Second Coming. In part 4 you claimed to have the secret to eternal life (not yet explained though undoubtedly it will be some ungodly nonsense). As a devout Christian I know the only path to eternal life is through our Saviour Lord Jesus Christ and I won't let the likes of you to tell me differently. May you burn for all eternity in the flaming pits of hell for your ungodly teachings. By the way, we know where you live." - Ted Bundy, High Priest of the Righteous Brothers of the Second Coming

Jesus Christ Ted lighten up. God you're such a drama queen. Here, have a fucking cookie you big sook.

"In part 2 you claim that life has no meaning and is actually a "meaningless pit of despair you can't crawl out of" This makes me sad." - Susie Rose

You are right Susie, I was being overly pessimistic. You do get to die in the end - so it isn't entirely hopeless. Actually scratch that, there is the whole eternal life thing so I'm afraid there is no escape. So there is no point getting suicidal about it. Find a nice book to read perhaps. Some people find the whole sex thing a nice way to pass the time too.

"I am a theoretical physicist and as such I find your explanation of string theory to be completely misleading. Recent developments in non-perturbative mathematical methods under the new paradigm of M-theory have invalidated the theory that events are caused by a long piece of package string tied to your left toe. I have attached 15 pages of mathematical equations that refute your claims and I have lodged a complaint with the appropriate authorities to force you to retract your erroneous theory from the public record. May I also say for the record that your face resembles a Calabi-Yau space in the process of transforming to patch up a tear in the fabric of space-time. Furthermore your black hole "has no hair" because you shave it like a Nancy boy. So nah nah ni nah nah *raspberry*. " - Dr. Brian Greene, author of The Elegant Universe.

I am almost inclined not to answer this letter as it contains some clear homophobic sentiment which may offend some of my readers. However I feel I should answer it to alert the writer that I have caught on to the fact that it was not written by Dr, Brian Greene at all. It was in fact a prank by Sarah Michelle Gellar of Buffy the Vampire Slayer fame. I have come to this conclusion through careful examination of the facts as listed below:

1. The whole mathematical rebuttal was written in lipstick. I was able to ascertain that the brand was Maybeline by analysing it with mass spectrometer.
2. The rebuttal only exhibited a moderate grasp of advanced mathematics. There was a mistake in a differential equation on page 9.
3. A proposition regarding the string coupling constant on page 14 was incorrectly attributed to Freddie Prinze Junior in the references.
4. The clincher was that you used a personalised Sarah Michelle Gellar letterhead and Sarah Michelle Gellar was crossed out before you signed your name as Dr. Brian Greene.

So there you go, I hope that clears things up. They weren't very intelligent questions though and the only one that came close was a hoax but thems the breaks I guess.

Until next time may the horse be with you,

Toblerone J. Aardvark

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