Hello again it’s Toblerone’s penis here back by popular demand. For future reference I shall be called Slinky because it is less cumbersome than saying Toblerone’s penis all the time (and also, Toblerone adds, because I’m variable in length and I’m often coming down stairs....er, it’s probably best not to ask).
Today I would like to inform you of some wonderful facts about penises (or if you're being pedantic penes) that I have learnt over the years. I don’t know much but I do know cock (though not in the biblical sense), it takes one to know one. Use this trivia to impress your friends and disgust your enemies.
Fact #1: You may have wondered what the knob on the end of the penis (called the glans, or to Star Wars fans, Darth Vader helmet) is for. The old joke says that is to stop your hand from slipping off. The truth is a bit more complicated.
The glans comes into play when a male gets sloppy seconds (if you don’t know what that means ask the nearest swinger). Semen, apart from transporting, protecting and feeding sperm can also serve as a barrier to sperm from other males. Semen, depending on the species, can form a soft plug (as in humans) or hard plug that eventually degrades. This plug provides a physical barrier to the sperm of other males and allows time for the first male’s sperm to fertilize the egg first. The glans is a structure that has evolved to remove semen plugs as it acts a bit like a plunger.
Fact #2: The term “boner” for erections is actually ironic when used in reference to the human erection. While in humans no bone involved most animals actually do have a bone in the penis called the baculum that provides rigidity. If only they could speak English they could legitimately use the pick-up line, “I like every bone in your body, especially mine.”
Fact #3: The largest penis in the world belongs to the blue whale at 3.3metres or 11 feet long. For those of you who have been paying attention to my articles you will notice that I made an incorrect statement in the “Why I like lesbians” article. Get a free insightful rating if you mention it first on the comments board.
Fact #3a: Though not strictly relevant to this topic the largest testes belong to the Southern Right whale at half a tonne each.
Fact #4: Echidnas have forked penises (I‘ve heard they fork into five prongs but maybe that was just so my biology lecturer could tell the joke about their underpants fitting like a glove) and some reptiles have two penises.
Fact #5: Cats have barbed penises. This is because instead of ovulating in a cycle like humans cats are stimulated to ovulate by mating. This is why cats don’t sound happy when they’re mating....owch!
Fact #6: Insect can have very complicated looking penises. Some insects have nasty penises that are designed to destroy the female genitalia in order to stop another male fertilizing her. Mating can actually shorten the female’s life span. The cats get it good by comparison.
Fact #7: (The community service announcement): In uncircumcised males the foreskin is attached to the base of the glans (Darth Vader helmet) until the cells connecting it undergo programmed cell death (apoptosis). This process of detachment may in some cases not be complete until age 15. I put in this fact in because Toblerone didn’t know about it at the time and he freaked out when dead bits of tissue started coming away from around my “neck” and thought I was going to drop off. It is funny in hindsight but it certainly wasn’t at the time. So to any pubescent boys who are going through this DON’T FREAK OUT it is perfectly normal. Just wash it as you normally would (or should) and eventually it will detach by itself. Many uncircumcised boys in this day and age will have fathers who HAVE been circumcised and hence will not be able to tell them what is going on. Interesting to note this was never mentioned in any Sex Ed. classes I had.
Fact #8: There are as many nerves in the penis as the clitoris. Hence the clitoris is more densely packed with nerves (but keep in mind 3 inches of the clit is internal). Pick up an anatomy book guys, seriously it’s a nervous goldmine.
Fact #9: The term phallus is only correct when used in reference to an erect penis.
Fact #10: Since all human embryos start out as females the different part of the penis are analogous to different part of female genitalia. For example the clitoris is analogous to the penis. In cases where a female has high levels of testosterone the clitoris can become enlarged.
I hope you guys enjoy this article as it is on the only subject I have any authority in. Well I’ve gotta go I’m off to the show...the strip show that is.
Yours tumescently,
Slinky J. Aardvark (penis extraordinaire).
