Thanks for the advice, Ted.

For the record, I tried your advice about 10 minutes ago. Unfortunately, I believe you overlooked:

9: Please remove all irregularly-shaped rings or other finger ornaments before applying method.

Yeah.

TBT

#11 - ask her out if that's what you want to do... but you said you have a girlfriend... which is it?  Don't cheat on your woman.  I've been there, done that, and I can assure you that it's not worth it.  'course, every generation must learn for itself that the stove is hot, so if you must test it, burn away.  But burn you will. 

#12 - 3.5 weeks with or without washing them?

#13 - in this order: pay bills on time (they'll be around even after your girlfriend is gone).  Take the trash out when she asks.  Cook her dinner. 

#14 - it all depends on how much hair you have.  do you want to look like Kurt Cobain? then don't brush.  Want to look like the guy on the cover of GQ?  brush brush away.

#15 - Never be embarrassed.  Somewhere in the world there's a woman who goes to a dildo factory everyday and spends 8 hours a day making fake cocks.  You've got nothing to worry about.  Chances are, the guy or gal behind the counter is jealous when you buy condoms... at least you're getting some.  As a side note, you should have seen the look on the old woman's face when my girlfriend and I bought a box of 36 condoms, a tube of lube, and a new leather belt.  Good times... Good times...

#16 - apparently you don't know how to tie a double knot. 

#17 - Learn how to 'stare' at pretty women without making it obvious.  When you talk to 'em, don't stare at their tits.  Believe it or not, they really appreciate it when guys look them in the eyes... (I have no idea why) ...staring at them will not increase your chances with 'em anyway. 

Fuck this is taking forever!

#18 - They work as long there is mutual attraction.  If a chick is 'into' you, it won't matter what you say, she'll let it slide.  But don't push your luck.  Remember to just 'be yourself', whoever that might be. 

#19 - I don't know... I know I do sometimes. 

#20 - Be yourself.  If that's how you smile, then that's how you smile.   

Disclaimer: I'm not claiming to know it all... Truth be told, I'm kinda dumb.  I hope that at least 1 out of my 20 responses will help you in some fashion.  If one of them makes someone chuckle, then my work here is done. 

1) As a woman I can tell you, front to back is best. The amount of toilet paper directly correlates with the # of times flushing between each wipe.
2) Shave in the shower. Less messy. Up or down will do. No shave everything, including the cheeks. Hot water works for me. The Mach3Turbo ( I use my husband's so I know) can be used until the little moisture strip above the blades is white. Don't know about the aftershave.
3)Women hate mustaches anyway...too scratchy...screw it!
4)Plucking is for everyone, but only women talk about it. Nair however is good for back hair on men. Have devoted woman apply.
5)Dance is an inherent talent, however, those who can't dance have pity on others who cannot.
6)Posture is important only when feeling pains from previous poor posture.
7)No, but everyone professes to floss.
8)As far as she will let you.
9)Most do suck, but some don't
10)Only if they nod and smile
11)If you want to be a father to her child
12)No, as long as they do not smell.
13)The trash, most definitely.
14) Either works unless you are going for the "bed head" look...use neither then.
15) Only be embarrassed for Playboy. It shows you are either lonely or with a woman who doesn't satisfy you.
16)You don't double knot?
17)Always ok to stare as long as SO doesn't notice...if she does, tell her you were thinking how lucky you are to have her and not the one you are staring at.
18)Rarely
19)Yes, mostly in the car
20)Only more brightly...consult your dentist

15) Only be embarrassed for Playboy. It shows you are either lonely or with a woman who doesn't satisfy you.

Heather - You may want to reconsider this one... that's a common misconception among women, and it's simply not true.  A guy could be dating a porn star that looked like Courteney Cox and be fucking her 3 times a day, and he would still check out Playboy magazine.  It's like the tides, it just happens.  Women really shouldn't take it personally. 

1. Fold, wad, front-to-back, back-to-front, just do whatever it takes. Just remember if you have a hairy ass check for dingle berries.
2. Down for me... when I bother to shave, which isn't until I'm itchy on the face. Or have your wife, girlfriend, SO do it for you.
3. Do you have red hair? If so you may never grow a mustache... unless you're one of the select few hairy red heads. Otherwise patience young one.
4. See Ryan Seacrest.
5. Wise girl once told me, "If you don't dance you'll probably go home alone." Wish I listened. If you're drunk you probably won't remember that you danced poorly.
6. Hanging with the group? Don't worry about it. On a date or a formal affair? Posture is a good idea.
7. Probably not, but your dentist knows if you do or don't. If your hygienist is a cute, you'll wish you had.
8. Is she a prude? Ask her what she likes. Or just go to town. Don't where a bumper sticker that says, "How's my love making?"
9. Who reads the NY Times? Only book critics and authors, unless the book is one of Oprah's book club books.
10. Only if they look approachable. Otherwise just walk around with your head down bumping into things and people.
11. Sure why not. You may regret not asking her when you're alone later that night.
12. Are they the same pair or the same type? As long as you wash them.
13. If you don't mind living in the dark or if someone else is paying the bills, then the other two.
14. Fish bones worked okay for the Flintstones.
15. condoms? As long as you're not also buying a pack of rubber bands. PB? You read the articles, right?
16. You're a nerd that everyone likes to pick on in school aren't you?
17. Tell them they should start worrying when you stop looking at other women.
18. Can't help you there.
19. Remember you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but never pick your friend's nose.
20. Or choose not to smile.

you guys must be jacks of all the trades. you had good parents-- thorough, certainly. I'm closing in on some new knowledge, but wisdom still eludes me. Ninja-like. Very stealthy.

1)For the sake of discussion, let's assume that Ted's technique is useful, but not in the strictest sense "good". Analyzing the other responses, we have a very buddhist position--perhaps more zen than buddhist?--from imajinit. We have solid, triple A directions from the obviously experienced Heather ("front to back") and a somewhat uncomfortable parable from kingbee. Right now I'm going to address Heather's suggestion: I want to believe you Heather. For men, the back to front method seems like you're just going to build up a large deposit and leave it like a rug on the danglers. But front to back is so unsatisfying. . .like life is incomplete. There has to be a better answer!

2)The "shave before shower" method may clean your face pretty thoroughly, but it also removes cheese-like slabs of skin, especially during the winter. I'm with kingbee, having visual issues in the shower. Am I the only one who feels like shaving afterward works best? Where are you, wisdom? How might I find thee?

3)I feel like crying--30 years old. . .my race has been run. No handle bars. No chic goatee. Bah.

4)This one's a real eye opener. Oh my peoples: what say you to the tale of the man who plucked and in return received the blackest, most unsightly hairs of all? Will I doom myself to a life of Stephen King look-alike contests?

5)Maybe the question need to be rephrased: I accept that I cannot dance. Should I bother faking it, or should I stick to stronger drinks and passing out before they drag me out on the dance floor?

6)Posture + walking = slow walking. Am I wrong or just deformed?

7)No surprises.

8)Creativity has always been my biggest blessing and biggest curse. That's more of a side note, really.

9)I enjoy reading, usually. But in general, I find the NY list often is a great way to learn what books to avoid.

10)Can I ask them random, silly questions, though?

11)I guess I should clarify: I have a girlfriend, and I'm not searching either for a substitute or a halftime show. I was thinking more of the "Office Space" dilemma: is the guy asking out his server an asshole or a confident young gentleman?

12)I probably shouldn't have asked this one: I'm wearing the damn jeans regardless. They get washed with the new moon. Period.

13)This was more of a quiz question, or a trick question, actually. The correct answer is that they all must be completed, preferably at the exact same time. Which ever you complete last was the one you should have completed first.

14)Looks like it's off to the salon, for me.

15)i actually ordered these in ascending order. I'm fine with the condoms; the Playboy gives me a twinge, but I can keep my gaze steady by remembering that I did not buy the Penthouse, I did not buy the Hustler or the Club or Juggy-Juggy-Doo-Doo. I'm practically a saint. The bodywash ironically makes me feel a little unclean; and the pink squishy thing--well, this is a guilty pleasure that I might just scrap altogether. Sniff.

16)I know the storied double knot. But then you have to untie your shoes everytime. . .uh-oh, do you guys untie your shoes everytime?

17)Let's change this question for the moment. Let's say I DONT have a girlfriend. Is it offensive to stare, if I put more adoration, less lust, into my gaze?

18)Pick-up lines DO work, don't they? Crap.

19)Let's not worry about this one. I pick mine enough for everyone.

20)My smile is brilliant already. This one is for other people.


Gimmie, gimmie. More wisdoms, please.

TBT

winterblade:

20)Very useful. Now I can avoid dealing with #7, and probably #10, #11, #18, conceivably #5, and eventually #8.

TBT

Also, don't forget the European water squirters. When I was traveling in Egypt, they had hoses and a drain in the center of the bathroom floor. . .no walking barefoot from the beach to the john, I'd suggest.

TBT

WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SUSPEKTIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!The Dude abides AND the Dude minds. Both. Go check. Different parts. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.No lore challenges. GGGGRRRRRRR.TBT

suspecktit, that's actually pretty funny. But listen "Taboob" why quote "the dude minds" that's hardly a quote. The real wisdom is in "the dude abides," it's the closing words from the main character in the movie. But fine, I'll give you that it was actually said in the film.......drags tail between legs and exits room.

Suspeckted

I'm a little jumpy, huh?

You're right, Suspecktit. Just thinking about the line "The Dude abides" sends shivers aplenty up and down and all around. "The Dude minds, man!" has solid charm, and it does lead into the line "this aggression will not stand, man!" It's all good, but does it ever get better than "You mean 'coitus'?"

TBooBT (Yeah. . .I think I like it)

do you "prep the prep" in the fridge? sometimes when i snoop through people's cooler, i see little prep H thingies.

TBooBT

)Let's say my bowels have moved profusely. How much toilet paper do I use? To fold or to wad? With the grain, like sanding wood, or against the grain, like slicing tender beef? Toward the front, or toward the back?

Fold, and front to back.  Wow, that's a real ice-breaking conversation there, huh?

2)It's shaving time. Do I shave in the shower, or after? Can I shave when I haven't taken a shower? Do I shave down or up? Can I do both? Is it okay to leave the shadow on my cheeks, or is this an indication of poor shaving technique? Cold or hot water on the razor? How many rounds is a Mach 3Turbo good for, before I should throw it away? What the hell is "after shave" good for, anyway?

YOu can shave pretty much anytime, any way you like. Personally, I like a coupla days growth.....and the aftershave is to help close your pores and mae chikkas like me go all weak at the knees because you smell good......

3)Why can't I grow a mustache? I'm the king of neck beards, but what's wrong with that upper lip?

Depends...on how old you are, your ethnic heritage etc etc.

4)Is eyebrow plucking just for women? What about hair gel? What about hair driers?

All very much gender indifferent products. 

5)Why the hell can't I dance? Is it one of those things where either you can do it or you can't? Do I need to take lessons? People say "Just go out there, TBT. Everyone is making a fool of themselves." If I just went out there, would I be making more of a fool of myself than other people?

Just go dance.  Speaking from experience, chicks are more likely to dog a dude that will make an effort on the dance floor. Look at it like a pre-cursor to sex....that you're willing to make an effort is a good thing.

6)How many times per day should I think about posture? Supper table? Walking to work? Writing on my computer?

All day, every day.  Hard I know, but worth it.  'specially if you're on the short side.

7)Does everybody floss?

I dunno bout everybody, but I do.

8)When I'm in bed with my girlfriend, how far can creativity take me?

As far as you want it to........

9)Who reads the books on the NY Times bestsellers list? They suck, don't they?

In my experience, yes.

10)Is it okay to talk to the strangers I pass on the street when I'm walking?

Yes.

11)Should I ask out the young woman serving me omelettes at the Flying Saucer?

Yes (and it took a lot for me to say that)...i'll explain later.

12)Sometimes I like to wear the same jeans for three and a half weeks in a row. Is this really so bad?

Not to me, but I'm from the grunge era when stuff like that was the norm.

13)What's more important: paying bills on time, cooking supper for your girlfriend, or remembering to take out the trash after she's asked you to?

Trash.  Definately.

14)Do I really need to use a comb or a brush?

No, fingers do just as well if you've got shorter hair.

15)Should I be embarrassed when I buy (a) condoms, ( Playboy, (c) bodywash, (d) the spongy thingie for the bodywash?

No.

16)Why do my shoelaces always get untied?

cos you don't tie them right in the first place.

17)Is it okay to stare, just a little bit, at pretty women? If I'm single? If I'm dating? If I have a serious girlfriend? If I'm married?

Yes, yes, yes!!

18)Pick-up lines don't work, do they?

Not very often.

19)Everyone picks a nose sometimes, right?

Yep.

20)Is there a way to learn how to smile more brightly, more nicely, less sarcastically?

I have struggled with this my whole life......and I don't know that I have mastered it yet.