You know in another thread someone asked what was the most exciting moment in a persons life....
I gave some good postive ones, but even they do not come close to some of the really negative ones...
Do I have a grip on what I consider good or evil, I think I do, but let you decide...
one example, which I'll keep it too exactly...
The reason I picked this example is because it is one of the parts of my past that was and is key to the frame work of my understanding of what good and evil are, and also the duplicity of making such a distinction without consideration for cause, affect and intent...
I had a good day at school, I was 13 years old at the time and much of the time a loner. I found school boring to say the least, much of what they were teaching seemed so mundane and inane, beyond what I called a life and what was painted by others and myself as my reality...
In other words, I was happy and in good spirits, met a girl and made a friend all at the same time.
When I walked up to the house I noticed my mothers car in the driveway, this kind of gave me pause about going home or turning around and heading over to Ricks house, which was my second home pretty much. So I shrugged it off because nothing had happend that I knew of to cause any problems for me and my stepfather wasn't home so it should have been safe to enter the house.
We had this huge oak door with crushed orange glazed glass in a pattern of four rectangular windows in two vertical rows of four down each side and one large color glass mosaic in the middle about two feet down from the top. You could not see clearly through it but you could see shadows.
As I reached for the door I thought I noticed a shadow cross from left to right of the door, but didn't think much of it, and as I stepped inside my hair ( which was quit long) was snatched from the right hand side and I was yanked the rest of the way in the door in one swift motion. Thrown back first into the red brick wall knocking my head against it hard enough my eyes crossed and I actually did see little lights popping in a dark cloud, while this happened the door slambed shut and before I could get a grip on my suroundings I was punched in the face and then knee'ed in the groin which doubled me over and then pummled about the head as I tried to cover my self up screaming " what did I do! over and over again" not a word was spoken, then a punch landed on the back of my neck driving me to my knees and then the kicking started, and I slumped to the floor trying to cover myself up. I woke up on the floor after a time, black and blue and in a rage, but also cowering like a small child all at the same time which ended up being the stronger of the two at that moment.
My mother was sitting on the floor holding my head in her lap crying telling me she was sorry and it would never happen again. Over and over... She had just beat and kicked her 13 year old son to sleep for no reason, and she was begging for forgivness fomr him, well it wasn't coming because at that point I was no longer her son...
I hated her, and the eatings continued for various reasons, sometime for no reason at all, other than something bad had happened at work, in traffic, or whatever. My Stepfather was just as bad, but in different ways, he was cruel and enjoyed it...
Anyway, when the chance came two weeks after I turned 17 I was in basic training and would never walk through their door again, ever...
it wasn't until a couple of years ago that I learned exactly how my mother could become what she eventually did become over the years....
It does not negate her actions upon me, or my brother for that matter. But it does explain how she could and would become such an animal.
See her father used to be a Merchant Marine and he drank, and he was one sick bastard, he would come into Mayport and instead of heading home he would go straight to the Dolphin and get drunk then he would stop by the store right up from their house and purchase a bottle of rot gut. Go into his house while they were all sleeping, shag them out of bed, line my grandmother and mother, aunts and uncle up against the kitchen, open the bottle and por a glass, place one bullet in his 38 police special and lay it on the table, pick up his drink and then take a slow drink, and as the glass left his mouth mumble that if he didn't drink unti lhe passed out and one of them moved he would shoot them. Or the times when he would come home feeling randy and open the door to my mothers and aunts bedroom door and she was oldest and closest to the door, she would be awake as soon as she heard the front door open and lay in bed waiting to hear where his foot steps led him. When that bedroom door opened up she would act like she was sleeping and keep praying, she was a good christian, that it not be her, someone else god, not me one of the others, the others being her little sisters...
evil? yeah I have a grasp on what I see as being evil, but I also understand the affects of being raised in evil, and the power it can place over one to control their actions and reactions, and to also understand thta people are condition by it in many different manners...
Is my mother evil? No, she is/was sick, were her actions evil, without a doubt, were they without reason? no again... do I forgive her, no, but I also love her whie still hating her...
So please do not tell me that if I do not see evil or understand it as you do that you feel sorry for me...
anyway...
no more comments and no more posts from me of this nature...
