Mr_Ph00ey2u flips Shmoopy's switch

Mr_Ph00ey2u thinks *SMOOCH*

errrr...ummmmmm... *BLUSH*

...better drag the preacher out

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon
a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said,
"Mister, you've got yourself a deal!"

The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with
no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."
The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been
saved that I do not even remember how to cuss."

The little boy looked at him happily and said, -
"Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!"

, Ph00ey turned Shmoopy's switch to On.. I don't know if it was on Off or just in the middle before.

I had to read 3pages since I left 3hours ago. But the jokes were good.

One more and it's bedtime for me

Hidden Window's Commands...

System Failure - Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
Close your eyes and press escape three times.
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
User Error: Replace user - now get out of here!
Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations

Say goodnight Gracie

Thanks to Michael Block on the Stardock Humor Newsgroups for this one:

Little Tommy (who was Jewish) was doing very badly in math. His parents had
tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers, in
short, everything they could think of.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in
the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Tommy came home with
a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello.

Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers
were spread out all over the room and little Tommy was hard at work.

His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the
minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time
he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to
understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brought home
his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and
hit the books. With great trepidation, his mom looked at it and to her great
surprise, little Tommy got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her
curiosity. She went to his room and said: "Son, what was it? Was it the
nuns?" Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, no.

"Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure,
the uniforms? WHAT was it?" Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, on
the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew
they weren't fooling around."

A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."

"If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it.
I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would."

"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would."

"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."

Proper Weapons Inspector Etiquette



FROM: UNITED NATIONS SECRETARY-GENERAL
TO: WEAPONS INSPECTORS
RE: IRAQ -- PROCEDURES AND ETIQUETTE

Congratulations on being selected as a UN weapons inspector.
You are about to embark on an exciting and highly dangerous
adventure! Please be aware that Iraqi customs and folkways may be
very different from what you are used to at home, and that at this
point the slightest faux-pas will start a war.

Bon Voyage,
Kofi Annan


MEETING YOUR HOST:

Your Iraqi hosts are from a different religious background. Like you,
they do not like to feel proselytized. Avoid religiously-charged
greetings and expressions whenever possible. Such expressions
include:

~ "Merry Christmas!"
~ "For Pete's Sake!"
~ "May Jesus Christ Have Mercy on Your Heathen Soul!"

When introduced to your host's veiled wife, it is inappropriate to:

~ Ask if she's all "Phantom of the Opera" under there,
~ Remark upon the presence of "junk in the trunk,"
~ Sensuously peel back her garments and check for illegal weapons.

~

When your host invites you to play pool, refrain from saying:
"Why don't Iraq and you break?"

~

Also, be aware that your visit will take place during the Muslim
holy month of Ramadan. Once again: Ramadan has absolutely
no connection to the popular chain of mid-priced hotels.

LOOKING FOR STUFF:

Be aware that your Iraqi hosts may have attempted to conceal
biological, chemical or nuclear weapons. Try some of these
common hiding places first:

~ Kitchen cupboards
~ Rotating bookcases
~ Innocuous-looking steel drums labeled "Circus Peanuts"
~ Wall safes obscured by oil portraits of Saddam Hussein
~ Behind Iraqi soldiers who are whistling casually and rolling
their eyes in a pantomime of innocence

Should you find what you believe to be a chemical, biological
or nuclear agent, do the following:

Step 1: Dip index finger in suspected agent.
Step 2: Place index finger on tip of tongue.
Step 3: Gruffly exclaim, "It's pure."
Step 4: See a doctor immediately.

FINDING STUFF YOU WEREN'T EVEN LOOKING FOR
IN THE FIRST PLACE:

In the course of your search, you may unwittingly uncover
Osama bin Laden. If so, do not panic. Send a S.A.S.E. to:
"I Found Osama"
Central Intelligence Agency
Washington, DC 20559
Or log onto www.ifoundosama.com

Then stall him with small talk until the arrival of U.S. Special Forces
or Hellfire missiles.

ENCOUNTERING SADDAM HUSSEIN:

It has been widely reported that Saddam Hussein often employs
doubles who stand in for him during public appearances. Only
intense scrutiny will ultimately confirm whether you are talking
to Saddam Hussein or Cheech Marin.

ENCOUNTERING RESISTANCE:

The UN resolution accepted by Saddam grants you, as
a representative of the UN, total access to any site in Iraq.
Nonetheless, you may still encounter resistance. If so, you may
employ the following Security Council-approved methods
of entrance:

~ Flash your laminated '02 Weapons Inspection Iraqi World Tour All-Access Pass.
~ Pretend to be a film crew from "MTV Cribs"
~ Slip the guard a Saddam Hussein (50-dinar note). If that doesn't
work, try slipping him a Saddam Hussein (1000-dinar note).

Phooey, that was cool.. I love that. It goes well with PA. Do I have permission to add it to the PA humor on my site?

If you go to http://weaksid.8m.net and go to Jokes, you can check out what I have posted so far. I'm in the process of a rebuild though. Everytime I think of a design I think of something better before I start and then I go back to the beginning. Plus Poser messed with me for a couple days which took my time away from it. But I'll let you know when the rebuild is.

Marriages revisited...

If Claudia Schiffer married Brains from "Thunderbirds" she'd be...

Claudia Schiffer Brains!

A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity, and recommended that she engage in sexual activity three times a week.

Quite embarrassed, she said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband."
The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week.

The 85-year-old husband replied, "Which days?"

The doctor answered, "Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, would be ideal."

The husband said, "Well, I can bring her on Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays, she'll have to take the bus."