1) Identical twins, dressed exactly alike, stopped in to Cooney’s pub for a drink. Clancy staggered up to them, and stopped to look at them in amazement. Then he ordered another drink. Finally, one of the twins laughed and said, “Don’t get upset, you’re not really in such bad shape. We’re twins.” The Irishman took another look and said, “All four of you?”
2) Casey and Flanagan go on a holiday to Africa. They go out camping in the jungle. They are sleeping in their tent when Casey cries out in pain. Flanagan wakes up just in time to see a deadly, poisonous snake slithering out of the tent. “That snake bit me on my ass,” cries Casey. “Hurry! run and call a doctor and ask him what we should do.” Flanagan springs from the tent and runs two miles through the woods to a campsite where there is a pay phone. He calls a doctor and tells him what happened. The doctor says, “Listen carefully. You must go back to your friend and with a razor blade cut an X on the spot where the snake bit him and then suck out the venom. But do it quickly or your friend will die.” Flanagan runs two miles back through the forest and arrives at the tent. Casey looks at him anxiously and says: “What did the doctor say?” Flanagan says, “You’re gonna die.”
3) Murphy’s mother-in-law was walking around the farm, when his mule attacked her and she died. Five hundred people, mostly men, turned up for the funeral. After the funeral, Fr. O’Toole said to Murphy, “I never realised how popular your mother-in-law was. Imagine, five hundred people here for her funeral.” Murphy said, “Father, they’re not here for the funeral. They’re here to buy the mule.”
4) A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman were up before the firing squad. Noticing how nervous the squad were, they hit upon the idea of giving them a shock to put them off their aim. “Flood!” yelled the Scotsman, and the soldiers dropped their rifles and ran away. “Earthquake!” shouted the Englishman, and again the soldiers fled. Then it was Murphy’s turn. “FIRE!” he yelled.
5) A young man named Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions.
The manager went to Murphy and said, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the American the job.”
Murphy: “And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!”
Manager: “We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.”
Murphy: “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?”
Manager: “Simple. The American put down on question # 5, ‘I don’t know.’ You put down ‘Neither do I.’”
6) A new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. So the next Sunday, he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross ad the “Big T.”
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.......” He did not say, “Eat me.”
12) The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry.”
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub, Thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14) Next Sunday, there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
7) Some time ago there happened to be an Irishman looking for work. He was not qualified to do anything much so he couldn’t be choosy.He went to see a guy how ran a big business painting the lines on the roads of England.
The man hired the Irishman and asked him to start the very next day.The next morning the Irishman arrived on time and was very enthusiastic.The owner of the business handed Irish a brush and pot of paint.
That day the Irishman,keen to impress,had over a mile of the road painted.The foreman was indeed delighted with his new employee.The next day the Irishman arrived and worked all day but was only able to complete a half mile.Nothing was said,but it didn’t go unnoticed.
The next day came and unfortunately the Irishman didn’t even get 100 yards completed. The boss was very annoyed about this dramatic loss of performance and called the Irishman into the site office.
The boss was not pleased and questioned why the Irishman was taking so long to do short distances when he began so well....
“Ah that’s easy” Irish replied “The paint tin is getting further and further away from me while I work !”
8) As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Mary shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.
Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage.
She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips.
Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Mary’s acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: “Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin’ out tonight, and me without me bloomers on!”
9) After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken a back, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?” ...and the Guinness president replies, “Well, if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither will I.”
10) The Irish missionary was preaching to the African tribe.
"And I say to you that you must love your fellowmen!"
"Moolagumbi!" shrieked the natives.
"White man and black man must learn to cooperate."
"Moolagumbi!" chanted the crowd.
The missionary was very pleased and he told the chief how pleased he was with the reception.
"I am glad, O man of Ireland," said the chief, "but be careful as we pass my cattle that you do not step into the moolagumbi."
Enough for now.
