A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please" so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.

All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.

The barman came over and said "Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!"
the panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?"
"Why yes," the barman answered. "Your a panda."
"Good," the panda nodded "Now go home and look up 'panda' in the dictionary." And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.

The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.

After a while, he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition:

PANDA:1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.

*** Signs that you "just might" have a drinking problem. ***

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your job is interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth ... now THAT'S a drinking problem!
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Every woman you see has an exact twin.
You fall off the floor.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger -- forget dinner!
The glass keeps missing your mouth.
Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after biting you.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in.
"Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol."
You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
"BeerTender! Get me another Bar!"

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little b*****d. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his a**, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.

"Now what?", responds the patron.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his a**, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"

Kirk might be a redneck if.....

Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month.
He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.
You have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob".
He refers to Klingons as "Critters".
He refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns".
He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil.
He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.
He says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies".
He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen.
He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle.
He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it.
He says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage".
He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser.
He insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba".
He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster".
He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens.
He paints the starship John Deere green.
He refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special".
He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp".
His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.
He sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen".
His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls.
He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge.
His idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies.
He sets phaser to "Cajun".

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage'book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk about.

Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm? ".

Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm. "

Where do you guys get all these jokes?



SOUTHERN TERRORIST ADVISORY ATLANTA

The governors of Alabama, South Carolina, Georgia, and
Mississippi announced today that they have made a
disturbing discovery in their states. Apparently, a small
number of Al Qaeda terrorists have become romantically
involved with local redneck girls.

The result is not pretty and they now have the sad
task of reporting the creation of a new sector of the
human race: Islamabubbas.

So far, only a smattering of actual births have been
reported, but Pat Robertson's Christian Coalition is
hard at work trying to isolate and seal them off. To
date, the Coalition has identified the following children:

Mohammed Billy Bob Abba Bubba
Mohammed Jethro Bin Thinkin Boudit
Mohammed Forrest Gumpa Bubba
Mohammed Rubba Dub Dubba Bubba
Bobbie Joe Bubba Amgood Atat
Betty Jean Hasbeena Badgurl
Linda Sue Bin There Dundat

Not surprisingly, the Coalition believes they all seem
to have sprung from one couple:

Mohammed Whoozyadaddy and Yomamma Bin Lovin

*Kim*

This is not what i would call funny.... but it struck a cord and i wanted to share.....

"In Memory of The Twin Towers"

Warning song to Osama bin Laden
(the tune of Rawhide)

The devil came from nowhere
He attacked us from the sky.

He bloodied up our nation
didn't give a reason why.

Now he's placed a spear in our eye
said its done it Allahs name

So God's coming lookin for him
And he's got himself to blame.

No more runnin, no more hiding, there's no place for you to go
For the wrath of God is coming and he isn't movin slow.

You defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought
And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.

Just go hidin in your hills
You'll be buried in your caves.

You'll get what you've got comin now
For being Satans slaves.

You've woke the sleeping giant
From his legendary sleep

Now with open roar like lions
There's one promise he will keep

No more runnin, no more hiding, there's no place for you to go
For the wrath of God is coming and he isn't movin slow.

You've defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought
And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.

So don't close your eyes a moment
Cause you surely see death there.

Don't waste your time in moanin
You just haven't got a prayer.

You chose to terrify the world
with your sensely killing spree

Brought violence into our lives
Placed hate inside of me.

No more runnin, no more hiding, there's no place for you to go
For the wrath of God is coming and he isn't movin slow.

You've defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought
And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.

In this peaceful loving Nation
Home of brave and of the free

All are calling up your number
over land and over sea

We have seen the vileness in your soul
the horrors you create

Now this angry nations coming
look around we're at your gate

No more runnin, no more hiding, there's no place for you to go
For the wrath of God is coming and he isn't movin slow.

You've defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought
And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.

Yes this world is coming for you now (Pause) with everything its got.

"Run Mister taliban"

Sung to the tune of "Day-O" (The Banana Boat Song)

Day-O...oh Day-O,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Run Mr Taliban, we know where you're hiding,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Hey USA, USA, USA...
Air force come and they flatten you home
60ft, 70ft, 80ft craters,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Old Uncle Sam's pissed, he ain't no quitter,
Air force come and they flatten your home
When we finish you all be crying,
Air force come and they flatten your home,
Pilot is brother of New York fireman
Air force come and they flatten your home

Might be a bit old.... but it made me laugh!

Hell.... I AM english after all!



To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium" . Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.

Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. Merde is French for "shit"

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.


Now i think it's time to hide!!

jennyc, your nuts

But for a good laugh, all you have to do is read it.

mr. werewolf have you seen the one with all the Dan Quayle quotes?
I can't believe the things he said! I looked for it but I no longer have it, maybe you do?

I was flying to San Francisco this weekend, and the stewardess
reading the flight safety information had the entire planeload of
passengers looking at each other like "what the ****?".

So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she
said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but
this is most of it.

Before Takeoff....

Hello and welcome to Alaska flight 438 to San Francisco. If you're
going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not
going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening.

We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of
this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this
plane is... The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now.

There are 5 exits aboard this plane, 2 at the front, 2 over the
wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of
the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would
be a really bad idea.

Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count
the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the
need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. We have
pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction
of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones
at the exit rows.

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop
down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the
flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's
oxygen there, I promise.

If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting
like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask
first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a
moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first,
and then work your way down.

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety
features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my
own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty
pictures. Please take it out and play with it now.

Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened
low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal
tab into the buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing - not a pushy
thing like you're car cuz you're in an airplane, hello!

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no
smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the
lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a
free service we provide.

There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing
exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight, hold on,
let me check what it is.......... Oh here it is, the movie tonight is
'Gone with the Wind'.

In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going
to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now
would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The
yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press the
orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is
your seat ejection button.

We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for
choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If
there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't
hesitate to ask.

If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing
ovation wouldn't you?

After landing...

Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about the
bumpy landing. It's not the captain's fault. It's not the co-pilot's
fault. It's the Asphalt.

Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no
time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please
don't even try. Please be careful opening the overhead bins because
shift happens.


Don't forget guys, tomarrow is Valentines Day!

*Kim*

Just in time for Valentines Day!


A Redneck Valentine

Collards is green my dog's name is Blue and he's all I know of that's purdier than you. Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas. You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway. Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can. You have som'a yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're in a crowd. On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms. Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man, to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can. Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like them far ants I found in my bed. Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt. When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack. Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'. despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'. Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank, we go together like a skunk goes with stank. Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day; They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way. Some men git roses on that special day from the cooler at Kroger.

Shortly after President Bush took office, an old man approached the White
house from the park across Pennsylvania Ave where he'd been sitting on a
park bench. He spoke to the U. S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would
like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer
president and no longer resides here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked
away. The following day, the same man approached the White House and said
to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President
Clinton." The Marine again told the man, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer
president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again, just
walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the
very same U. S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with
President Clinton." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point,
looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have
been here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton; I've told you already that Mr.
Clinton is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you
understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love
hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir!"