Wom's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!"

"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"

I seen that before. Still funny

That was funny till what she said at the end. Man, that would of pissed me off. But that was still good.

"Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused."


Job Applicants


An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."


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Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."



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"Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?"

"I ought to be able to. I've had ten different jobs in four months."



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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked a young applicant fresh out of Business School, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The applicant said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years - say, a red Corvette?"

The applicant sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."


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The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."

"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"


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A man applied for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor.
As soon as the man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the envelope. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor Personnel Office."

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An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a prominent medical school. "Tell me," inquired the interviewer, "where do you expect to be ten years from now?"

"Well, let's see," replied the student. "It's Wednesday afternoon. I guess I'll be on the golf course by now."


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The navy psychiatrist was interviewing a potential sailor. To check on the young man's response to trouble, the psychiatrist asked, "What would you do if you looked out of that window right now and saw a battleship coming down the street?"
The baby sailor said, "I'd grab a torpedo and sink it."
"Where would you get the torpedo?"
"The same place you got your battleship!"

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HR Manager to job candidate: "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."

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Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel manager's office.

"What is the meaning of this?" the manager asked. "When you applied for the job, you told us you had 5 years' experience. Now we discover this is the first job you've ever had."

"Well," the young man said, "in your ad you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

ugh

My goodness, Keila! Where did you get an idea like that?

OK, this one is for Keila...she got me started on these audio funnies.

This guy is really BUSTED!

http://www.solarnight.com/audio/busted.htm

ph00ey

great joke board phooey

This good looking man walks into an agents office and says "I want to be
a movie-star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had
all the right credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?" The guy
said
"my name is Penis Van Lesbian."
The agent said "sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood, you are gonna have to change your name. "I will NOT change my
name ! The Van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever" The agent said "Sir, I have
worked in Hollywood for years..... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood
with a name like Penis Van Lesbian !! I'm telling
you, you will HAVE TO change your name, or I will not be able to
represent
you."
"So be it!! I guess, we will not do business together" the guy
said....and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is
awestruck....who would possibly send him $50,000. ?? He reads the letter
enclosed...... "Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office
wanting to become an actor in Hollywood. You told me I needed to change
my
name.
Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told
me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van
Lesbian.
After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you
were
right.
I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office,
so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without
changing
my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you
for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick Van Dyke