I always have a hard time with naming things (good thing I don't have kids). Names evolve... the things that happen around you, the things that make people callus and unhappy and headachy and sad.. they shouldn't determine what you choose to respond to. Those things, though they may seem to endure on and on and on... they are really not the be all and end all of life. keep ringing the bell you want to hear (elfkura) and let it guide your course. It seems to have done well by you so far (painful though that may seem right now).
I really miss school, but not exactly for the classes (important as some of them might seem). School is a collection of people, some of which you may relate to like no others. It's easy access to ideas and cultures and thoughts and dreams of a squillion people. And the classes, and the paperwork, and the admins.... they are like an obstacle course you have to run.
Having friends used to seem more important to me than now. But I was always kind of a loner-type people. I found out that I had to be a good friend to myself, and then I could relate to the people around me. The true friends I have, the strongest relations that I have forged are spread pretty much throughout the world (many I have never met). In fact, my natal family ended up spread throughout the country more distant emotionally than good friends continents away. I think that if you carry someone in your heart the distance is nothing. And the primary person you need to carry there is yourself (the world according to me.... and the terms 'you and yourself' are generic in nature -- feel free to toss the idea out if it doesn't fit).
Whoever told you *you can always make more friends* is probably someone who has been sheltered from real loss. Because if you cherished someone and then that person is gone, there is no recreating that one person. People live on from that because there is no alternative. People keep building their lives and letting new people into their hearts, and one day a new person will spark some passion. That will never diminish the feeling for a missing friend, though. It's very true. You really can make more friends. What you cannot do is replace them.
The friendships you make on the internet are real friendships. They are as valid as the ones close up and in person. Seems to me the feeling of "friendship" is largely a sensation and a reality conjured up within a person, not something that can be externally defined and regulated. Therefore, don't feel so all alone if you only have someone from the virtual arena to touch bases with. We are, all of us, real.
And good for you for keeping a bead on your goals. For reaching out for the future you want. If you can, relax some now and then and come and play if you want.
goodmorphing steps down from the soap box...
I'm not trying to lecture, really.
