A guy walks into a bar, and he has a drink. He looks in his pocket, and orders another drink, looks in his pocket, and orders another drink, looks in his pocket, and orders another drink, and so on. And the bartender says, "What are you doing; what's in your pocket?" And the guy said, " It's a picture of my wife; when she starts looking good to me, I know it's time to go home.

A man walked into a bar, looking sad, and the bartender asked him, "What's the matter?" "My wife and I had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month. And the month is up today."

This old couple walks into the bar, and the husband goes over and starts flirting with some young women. And the bartender said to the wife "Doesn't it bother you that your husband is always making passes at the younger women around here?" "No, no, no, not really," the wife said, "I mean, dogs chase cars, but that doesn't mean they know how to drive."

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, ‘Kin ya swallar?’
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!’

Guy walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat, orders 3 drinks and sits at a table with them. 

A bit later the ostrich goes up and orders 3 drinks, goes back to the table and joins the guy and the cat.

A little while later an argument starts at the table and the cat is protesting it is not his turn to buy the round, so the guy goes to get them rather than cause a scene.

After about 20 minutes the ostrich buys 3 more drinks and rejoins the other two back at the table.

However, an almighty argument breaks out when the cat yet again protests that it isn't his turn to buy, so the guy goes up again.

"Excuse me," inquires the bartender: "it's not often I get a guy come in with an ostrich and an argumentative cat, what's the story with that?"

"Well it's like this, you see, I was walking along the beach and I found a bottle with a genie in it.  I was given one wish.  Well I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy, and this is what I ended up with.

A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender that for free drinks, he can identify anything just by its odor. The bartender agrees so a blindfold is put on the guy and they hold a key under his nose; the guy correctly identifies it as such. Next is a lime wedge, then an ice cube and finally a cork, all of which the blindfolded man gets right.

Finally, out of desperation, the bartender sticks his finger under the skirt of the middle-aged waitress and puts it under the guy's nose.

"Tuna," he says.

A guy walks into a bar and boastingly flops out this enormous penis to his mate, who's totally flabbergasted and says: "Holy Dooley, mate, where'd ya get that?"

The guy proceeds to tell him about the time in Africa when he pulled a witch doctor from neck-deep mud... and how the witch doctor showed his gratitude by granting him one wish. "Well as you know from our locker room days," he says: "I was never very well endowed, so I asked if I could have the genitals of this passing elephant.... and wizz, bang pop, I have the monster before you."

"Ah, so if I was to go over to Africa and save a witch doctor, do you reckon I'd get one like that?"

"Yeah, mate, you've got nothing to lose, have ya?  Thing is, it doesn't happen immediately.  The witch doctor stipulates that your wish is only fulfilled when you step foot back on your home soil."

"OH, that's alright.... oooh, I can't wait."

Anyhow, the guy heads of for Africa and is there for about 6 months before his chance to rescue a witch doctor arises... and as promised by his mate back home, he gets his wish, which of course is to have the genitals of this passing elephant. 

Once his wish is granted he phones his mate back home and asks for him to be there at the airport when his plane lands: "Like mate, you just gotta be there."

Okay, so the plane has landed and the first guy is waiting for his mate to disembark.  Several people are ahead of him, but there he is, at the top of the stair prancing around in anticipation. Step, by step he slowly descends the stairway until he reaches the bottom, at which time he steps onto the tarmac and falls in half.