Be warned, if you are drinking anything, put it down and swallow before reading any further, and don't eat while reading this message. If you have kids, you've been through this, so you know where I'm coming from. If you haven't gone through this...this is what you have to look forward to.
Yesterday afternoon, my wife was walking by my kids' bedroom when she saw them peeking out the window at the neighbor girl my 10 year old has a crush on. As my wife looked in, my 8 year old said to my 10 year old, "You want to have sex with Stephanie!" to which he responded "Ewww! Gross!"
So, my wife decided it was time for our semi-annual sex talk with the kids. Now, we made the decision long before we ever had kids that when we did, we would be honest and open about the subject of sex, answering any questions they ask at a level they might understand. So each time we have this conversation we clarify more things, introduce some new terms, and get into a little more detail.
We also ask a lot of questions to see how mature they are in their thinking about sex. This helps us gage how much we need to tell them.
Well, the Semi-Annual Sex Talk of 2004 was a doozie.
The cast of characters were:
Joe - The immature, yet oh so witty, dad.
Carla - The ever so serious "good parent"
Alec - The brainy, awkward, embarrassed 10 year old.
Jaisen - The obnoxious, hysterical 8 year old (Stiffler in training?).
The conversation went a little something like this:
Carla: That talk I just heard was inappropriate.
Joe: Yeah, even if it's true.
Alec: Daddy!
Carla: (with evil glare) Anyway...what do you think sex is?
Jaisen: I know ALL about sex!
Joe: Ok, smarty pants, what do you think sex is?
Jaisen: It's when two people touch their privates together!
Carla: Where did you learn that?
Jaisen: At school. (Counting off on his fingers) There sex, there's plain ol' kissy kissy, and there's smooching.
Joe: What are "kissy kissy" and "smooching"?
Jaisen: Smooching is when you kiss with your clothes on. Plain ol' kissy kissy is where you kiss all naker. Duh!
Carla: "Naker"? You mean naked?
Jaisen: Nope. Naker. As in NUDE! You get naked in the shower, you get nude, or naker, for plain ol' kissy kissy or sex.
Alec: What's "humping"?
Joe and Carla try unsuccessfully to hold back laughter which escapes in a quick yet powerful burst
Carla: Daddy, would you like to take this one?
Joe: Well...uh...
Jaisen: It's like sex, with private to private, but one of the privates is a butt!
Joe and Carla fall on the floor and turn beet red.
Alec: That's gross!
Jaisen: That's gay!
Joe and Carla stare at each other in disbelief
Joe: What's gay?
Jaisen: Humping!
Joe: No no...I mean what does 'gay' mean?
Alec: It means when a man loves another man, or a woman loves another woman.
Jaisen: Yeah, that's gay!
The conversation then took a more serious turn into whether or not there is anything wrong with people being gay, and how they should handle it if kids started calling other kids gay. As it turns out, they were pretty smart here, concluding that there was nothing wrong with being gay, and that they should not participate in the name calling.
Further conversation revealed that they thought that a woman could get pregnant by kissing. Not just any kissing, though, "plain ol' kissy kissy" only. This is when my wife decided it was time for them to learn the correct term for the female private parts.
Carla: So what is the proper name for your private parts?
Jaisen: Peanuts!
Joe: Peanuts?
Jaisen: Oops. PEE-NISS! Penis! Not peanuts, you eat peanuts, and you don't eat penis. That would be gay!
Carla: Ok (fighting back smile)...do you know what a female private is called?
Jaisen: I know ALL about sex! The female private is a noonie-noonie!
Carla: That may be one name for it, but the correct term is "vagina"
Jaisen: (At the top of his lungs) JINA? WHAT'S A JINA? I'VE NEVER HEARD OF A JINA!
Thinking of how thin the walls are in our apartment, Joe and Carla both turn a beautiful shade of red
Carla: Not "jina", "Vagina" "Vuh vuh vagina"
Jaisen: Vuh vuh vagina. Vuh vuh vagina. Sounds like Virginia!
Later, of course, we call my mom (73 years old) in Virginia and ol' Stiffler tells her, "I want to come and visit you in Virginia this summer. But I like to call it Vaginia...Vuh vuh Vaginia!
Suddenly, my mother had to go."
