As a few of you may know, I recently wrote an article on why I want a samurai sword. Well, I’ve still been thinking about all things samurai for days now, and after I wrote that article, I realized that the main reason I wanted a samurai sword was because I simply wanted to have something that I wouldn’t normally think to have. It’s something that young men like me typically don’t posses, so naturally, I want it.
This got me thinking about desire, and more specifically, wanting something that you typically can’t get. Many questions arose. Why do I think this way? Am I the only one like this? Where did my sandals go?
After some spelunking in the sofa cushions, I found myself thinking about kings. They are the only ones who get to have their innermost desires fulfilled. They get to have what no one else can, like solid gold toilets, solid gold toilet paper, and solid gold toilet water. Then, an idea struck me. What if I was king? I thought of all the crazy things I’d do, and I bring them to you now.
If I was king of the world…
…I’d drain all the oceans and teach dolphins to walk upright and breathe air. After all the dolphins could walk and survive on the earth’s surface, I’d begin hunting them for reasons even unbeknownst to me.
…I’d assemble a team of scientists to build me an actual lightsaber. When they finished, I’d kill them all to ensure that I’d be the only person on earth with one.
…I’d put Harrison Ford’s hand in warm water one night when he sleeps, videotape the results, and then beat him to death with the tape.
…I’d live in the treehouse paradise from Swiss Family Robinson and force my human butlers to dress up like monkeys.
…I’d market a “can of snakes” that, when opened, launches peanuts at the consumer.
…I’d abolish the use of the letter “w,” replacing it, instead, with “uu.”
…I’d create my own magazine entitled Punch in the Face Weekly that features exclusive photos of people being punched in the face as well as editorials by people who have been punched in the face or people who have punched someone in the face.
…I’d demand the gradual enforcement of the “no fat chicks” law.
Those are just a few of the things I’d do if I were king. Go ahead and comment with some things that you’d do if you were king. They don’t all have to be based on gratuitous murder and violence like mine, but go ahead and get crazy with it. Release those pent-up Freudian frustrations and have fun!
