First off this article is not about what you think it is. This article is about my mishaps when I was younger and drank. The idea to write this came to me while I was talking to my girlfriend. She seems to be my muse; all my good ideas come to me when I am talking to her. Any fucking way, since I had not written a humorous article in a bit, I figured that I might as well do one now.
The ages that these occurrences happen are unknown because lets face it, I have drank far too much alcohol and smoked WAY too much pot to remember completely how old I was, Anyway I will do my best to relate them to you the best I can.

“The Greasy Splatter”

I use to work at a pizza parlor when I was younger, I was the delivery driver for them and cook and all that good shit, god knows why I was the delivery driver, I didn’t know where shit was. One night after work I went to party with a friend of mine named John. We went to a friend’s house a couple of blocks from his place and proceeded to get furry, (my term for getting drunk). Previously before I left work I had placed a pizza in my truck and took it with me when I left, so we now have this large pizza in my truck, I believe it was cheese because this is pretty much the only kinda pizza I eat when it comes down to it. I’m a simple man what can I say. Anyway we finished up drinking at our friend’s house and since his place was only a few blocks away we decided to drive to his house. As we were in the truck we began munching on the pizza, cause let’s face it, I get hungry when I drink and I KNOW you do too.
So we make it all the way to his house and park and shit and get out, well we are furry and his gate was WAY too complicated to open so we opt to hop the fence. So he jumps it and I place my new slice of pizza in my mouth and hop it as well. I held the slice like I was a pirate going on a raid. Anyway, I get over the fence after two attempts, hey I was drunk give me some leeway here. So we go to go in his house.
This is where Karma bitch slaps me. On his back door he has a storm door. Storm doors have very think and strong glass if you haven’t heard. Anyway I go launching at the doorway, because I didn’t know the door was closed… It was. So here I go rushing up the steps at the doorway that just so happens to be blocked by a glass door. In my bum rushdom I didn’t apparently see the gleam of the streetlight reflecting off it. So I launch up it ahead of John.

Whap!!

Ten words: Face makes contact with glass; pizza makes contact with glass. I had taken the pizza slice out of my mouth after I had gotten over the fence so it was almost resting in my palm face up as I went to get in the house. Well I hit the glass door with enough force that I literally bounce off it and into the grass beside the steps, I hit with enough force that I was actually about three feet away from it on my back with the pizza slice still in my hand. And there on the glass is a grease mark in the shape of a pizza slice. I laughed about it for a few seconds rubbed my forehead and then got up. Opened the door and stepped inside like nothing happen, I was eating my pizza on the way in. Damn Windex.