Ahh, the proverbial family vacation… This is my first one in 2 and a half years and I must say, it will be my last one… I don’t know what it was, maybe my mom bitching all the way down there, and back, the fact that I had sore ass feet, the sand in my butt crack or what, but anyway, how about I get in to some details, and you can decide for yourself.
Okay let’s start off by when we left. I was talking to my girlfriend as I do everyday unless I am somewhere where I do not have internet access, and my mom comes in after she got off from work and yells at me that I have thirty minutes to get ready or she’s leaving me behind, I knew I should have just sat there and continued to talk to my girl, but the allure of actually seeing my cousin Blair for the first time in ages made me go take a shower and throw some clothes in a plastic bag and throw them in the truck.
The truck doesn’t have a heater so I knew this was going to be a great trip (read: a fucking disaster waiting to happen). Anyway, my mom doesn’t like me driving because she can point out a million things that she thinks are wrong, in other words I’m going too fast, I’m going too slow, I’m braking too much, typical mother shit, so I was handed the map and told to tell her where to go.
So we start out the driveway and on our little trip to the south of Texas to visit family for the death of Christ… I don’t even believe in Christ as a savior so what should it matter to me, I was just going to see my cousin and her new baby. Well, we get so far and then she misses a turn that I told her to take, so she starts bitching about it… I told her to turn there, and she misses it, because she wasn’t listening when she should have been. And if you know my mom she’s not going to let it drop if she knows she’s wrong.
So here we are arguing that she was indeed wrong to bitch and moan on our way to Tyler. Well, we finally do what we need to do and we get a bit of ways down the roadway pasted Tyler and shit and I decided that my sister needed an April’s Fool joke played on her so I get the cell phone and I ring her. I say very, very calmly, while trying to hold in my laughter and trying to get my mom not to laugh as well that, while on the way down we were smoking a cigarette and we threw it out the window and it landed on the bed and burned a two feet hole through both sides of the box mattress and a little smaller hole in the main mattress. I added a few more details to the mix, such as we brought her, her egg crate mattress and she would only need to get a large enough board to cover it up and she would be fine… I then told her as she was slightly on the verge of being hysterical and calling me every name in the book I gave the phone to my mom, who naturally indulged the lie just a little bit more. She then got off the phone and my mom told me that she was going nuts and had called me all kinda names and shit and that I would be buying her a new set of mattresses. Don’t hold your breath Amie.
We then sat back and drove for a good while, getting lost another time as fucking normal, this is the second time, and this time, its because my mom wanted to go another way then what I was telling her and she couldn’t find where she needed to be going, so I then get her on the right road and we are back on it, going down some of the straightest fucking roads in Texas, maybe I am use to living in Northeast Texas where the roads have curves and shit I don’t know, but it was the longest road I have ever been on.
Well, we are about forty-five minutes from their apartment and I just have to make the prank bigger than normal, just because I’m a nice guy, so I then call them and talk to Jimmy, her boyfriend, he’s a really nice guy. I asked him if they had dishes and he’s like, no we don’t. Then I, with my mom doing her best not to laugh out loud and completely fuck it up, tell him that there were some boxes that had some things in them, we aren’t for sure what was in them, they might have been dishes, they might not have been but most of the other boxes didn’t fall out so they had nothing to really worry about. Naturally he doesn’t say anything to my sister but just says okay and that when we get into town to call him and he will meet us and have us follow him back to their apartment.
Well we finally got to the town and we stopped at a local store to get gas and shit. So we call him. He hasn’t been to that side of the town before. How you cant be from that town and go around the entire thing in the amount of time you have been there, it just doesn’t add up to me. But hey that may just be me.
Well, we then decided to go to a local grocery store. He was able to find us then. Well my mom decided to go in and get some dishwashing soap for them so even though they didn’t have any dishes they could at least wash some fake ones while they waited.
Well here comes Jimmy and Amie in his truck. I wait with them while my mom is still inside; they still have yet to get the joke that they can’t burn because mattresses are flame retardant. Well here comes my mom finally, with four bags of stuff. Jesus fucking Christ, its like she knew she only needed to get one thing but decided that four bags would look better. Anyway, we threw the bags in with them and followed him to their apartment. Finally we got there and as my mom and my sister went in the apartment, I told Jimmy, he thought it was pretty funny, but my sister didn’t know… so it finally came to tell my sister, I don’t know if she was pissed that we told her that they were burned and they weren’t, or that she just got made the ass end of a joke, either way I had fun.
We finally left their place around nine and headed to my grandma’s place, we got lose once again. Because my mom couldn’t follow directions, and she was born down there. Anyway we finally got to where we were going and arrived two hours later, it was like maybe a forty-five minute trip from their apartment to my grandma’s go figure it would take that long. We finally turned into bed, well at least they did, I stayed up and watched television all night and into the morning, I was wired, didn’t help that I ate all that candy either.

Continue to Part 2.