Ah I'll not be scrubbin' ta mans back, i scratch nor scrub no mans back! Twill be makin' me soft when I be needin' ta use the cat on em!

Not be scubbin' a man's back? Haven't you heard of barbedwire? Cap'n starkers would positively love that, bein' the sick n' demented ol' bugger he is, he'd think it'd be a good way ta get rid of pimples.

Now the good Capt'n, who e be foolin then? Giv' im a damned good spankin tonight ' then! We can't be 'aving a capt wit' a stump that be not workin' can we?

Well he be good to me so I calls 'im a good Cap'n..... and p'raps if I gives 'im an extra 'ard spankin' tonight, maybe I can get 'is stump workin' after all.

Not be scubbin' a man's back? Haven't you heard of barbedwire? Cap'n starkers would positively love that, bein' the sick n' demented ol' bugger he is, he'd think it'd be a good way ta get rid of pimples.

'Ere, what be 'e doin' givin' me secrets away like that? I were a very private person 'til ye went tellin' ev'rybody I be a bit deviant an' inta them barbed wire back scrubs ....don't mind them steel pot scourers, either.

and p'raps if I gives 'im an extra 'ard spankin' tonight, maybe I can get 'is stump workin' after all.

Not that I minds a good spankin', but ye don't need ter flail the skin orf me rear....a plate o' oysters an' some ginseng tea 'll do the trick, oh, and some o' them anti- inflammatories fer the arthritis, don't want me gettin' all stiff, do we.

Ah I'll not be scrubbin' ta mans back, i scratch nor scrub no mans back! Twill be makin' me soft when I be needin' ta use the cat on em!

Orright then, if ye not be goin' ta give I a barbed wire back scrub, as Cap'n I orders ye ta soak that cat o' nine in brine fer an hour or two afore ye takes ta flailin' away.....an' gimme a chance ter git me shirt orf first, so there be no paddin' ta spoil me enjoyment.

Today is not for tomfoolery and pirating for me, I shall watch the televised funeral to honour Peter's life via the fond memories of the speakers, his friends, family and those who knew him best.

Have a good day off. We'll be here tomorrow.

I 'ad this oarful feelin' in me sea gut that Fuzzy feller 'ad jumped ship, and I sees thaat 'e 'as. If ye looks o'er the 'orizon ter the North, ye'll see 'e be staaartin' e's own piratin' thread....it be mutiny, I says...mutiny!!!!

I tell 'e what me buckos, I sees us 'aving ter broadside that thar dingy of 'is n' bringin' 'im back aboard ta serve that thar mutineer some buccaneer justice. What say us ties 'im ter the rudder n' sails in circles 'til 'e be too dizzy ta stand....and us'll git that thar result without so much as a drop o' precious rum passing 'is treacherous lips.

I should've knowed not ter trust plank duties to a feller wiv pointy ears....like a thief in the night, 'e used the cover o' darkness ta tip-toe across it ter cap'n that thar piddlin' lil dingy he be floatin 'bout on now. What say ye me 'earties, shall us go o'er there n' scuttle it fer 'im?

'ad this oarful feelin' in me sea gut that Fuzzy feller 'ad jumped ship, and I sees thaat 'e 'as. If ye looks o'er the 'orizon ter the North, ye'll see 'e be staaartin' e's own piratin' thread....it be mutiny, I says...mutiny!!!!

Who be this fuzzy fella ye be speakin' on capt?

capt'n i be askin ye kind permission fer us all ta be goin aboard ta african ship over ta, we be avin a bit o trouble wit a man that be callin imself ta kingbee, I wish ta be whippin im and keel haulin him for tha next two or three days, but it can't be done wit out ye and ta first mates kind assistance, I figure be tomfoolin on ta thread he be losin ta interest in all his wordy an filty bashin.

ta thread i be speakin of is on ta link, can ye please join us fer a coupla days ta finsih im orf wit a bit o tomfoolery?

WWW Link

quote on ta thread that be there now from me

He be livin' in lala land First mate Guy!

Me thinks tis time for ta cat o nine tails to come out, tie im to ta mast bent over a barrel frst. Sling is hands round ta pole and lash im wit ta rope then I be puttin on ta thumb screws. Ye can the tear his shirt off and I be whippin' 'im witt ta cat!

When he be nice an bloody on his back an' 'is thumbs, we rubbin' salt in is wounds an then we keel haul im an let ta fishes 'ave a nibble!

We bring im back up an then set pecky ta capt'ns parrot on him ta peck at 'is tiny jelly beans, an ta pooch can feed orf of 'im!

aaaaaarrrrrrrrrghhhhhhh

I thanks ye fer ye kind unnerstandin' an all capt'n.

Excuse me absence, me 'earties....I were sittin' 'ere doin' me log an' 'ears this strange noise a comin' from under me desk. It were a coming from this black box thing that sends all these 'ere messages to 'e. Anyhow, I takes a look ter see what it were, and ye knows the rest....I not be as good at putting things back together as I be at pullin' ' em apaaart.

Tweren't anything serious tho....me thinks a rat from the bilge got in there n' ran amok among them wires, mebbe unpluggin' one or two. Once I reseated a HD connection she were purrin' like a kitten again.

Welcom back Capt'n. YOu show us where to point the cannons, and we be taking care o'er the rest.

Aim 'em ta the North at thar Talk Like a Pirate Thread....in fact, I wants ye ta git all them thar cannons from the Port side onta the Starboard side, so's us can give 'em a real blastin'. Aaaarrrgggh, them mutinous dogs don't stand a chance....a 128 gun salute be sure ta scuttle that thar dingy o' them imposters. Who do they think they be, jawin' like pirates an' bringin' our noble profession inta disrepute like thaaaat! Scuttle 'em I says, scuttle 'em!

ta thread i be speakin of is on ta link, can ye please join us fer a coupla days ta finsih im orf wit a bit o tomfoolery?

Unfortunately, Jennifer (pirate mode off) the subject material is far too emotive and close to my heart for me to be joining in over there. My 16 yo step-daughter was molested by her biological father when she was only three, which is most likely the cause of her becoming promiscuous and running away from home to engage in those activities we naturally forbade to her, and thus, my joining any such discussion would only to bring out the worst in me. I'd end up getting myself exiled for the extensive use of expletives - personal attacks on anyone who trivialised the zero tolerance 'one child is one child too many' mentality. Anyone who dared to dismiss it's significance, used semantics/alternative source material to play down the vile reality of child rape would find themselves on the end of a vitriolic attack that most certainly would have me immediately ostracised.

I understand your concerns and revulsion, and thank you for the invitation to inject a bit of tomfoolery, but I've had to deal with the harsh realities of the main topic on more than one occasion, once was too often, and I can not bring myself to introduce levity into something that repulses me so. Had the subject material been of a less emotive nature, I'd have gladly participated. However, Jen, you're a strong spirited woman and you've more than enough spunk to give any dissenting bastard a good serving of: 'don't mess with me cos I mess back'

Aye Mrs Starker tha' be a very good idea! tis ta pain I be dealin'out nex' time I be needin' ta tie someone up i be usin barbwire!

Arrrrggggh, I be first in line fer that, then (pirate mode back on). Me previous mistress o' pain only ever tied I up wiv knittin' yarn an used a feather boa fer ta whip me wiv. It were like findin' a treasure chest only 'alf full....her always left me wantin' fer more. Not even a good keel'aulin' would get 'er ta bring out the cat o' nine, so I sets her adrift in a longboat wiv them thar transvestite fellers Lil Whip brough aboard. Now them were a peculiar bunch o' fellers, dressin' in wimmins clothes n' puttin' on makeup, an' I didn't want 'em corrupting me cabin boys, so it were either the plank or bein' set adrift wiv that thar Miss 'I'll tickle 'e ter death'

I ear there be new blood at stardock! A mate by the name of andrew. We be needin to shanghai him to learn the secrets of this new technology!

I don't reckons us'll 'ave ter shanghai anyone from Stardock....when 'em knows what good 'earty fellers we be, they'll only be too glad ta join us n' share them thar secrets they be a holdin'. They knows we be all fer their technology, so there'll be no need to 'ave our cutlasses drawn....us'll 'ave the red carpet rolled out fer us when we gits there....rum aplenty awaitin' ye all.

(Hey! What did Will do to us?)

Who be Will? If he be that thar sea dog who be askin' fer pirate imposters ta be jawin' like us, then he be the one us 'aves ter scuttle unless 'e bring that scurvy lot o'er 'ere ta learn piratin' proper like.

An' whare be that Second Mate o' ours? If that Gid still be down in the 'old wiv wenches an' swillin'um, I'll ave Mistress Jennifer lash 'im wiv the cat o' nine fer not bein' thar ta man 'is cannon agin them thar imposters. If he still be schoolin' 'imself ta learn us better lootin' n' pillaging skills, I'll fergive 'im an' double 'is rum rations.

Who be this ere Andrew then, what name be e goin' by? Aye fresh meat always brings fresh information!

Andrew be one o' the techie fellers o'er at Stardock....he be one o' their best men cos 'e knows programmin' n' stuff. Us could make good use of 'e....ta make us a Froggie vessel detector so's we can ransack fer booty afore scuttlin' 'em.

Ere what matter strange woman be she then? Whippin with a feather boa?

Aye, she were strange alright....had some strange idear that her 'ad ta git all 'er clothes off first fer ta whip me. It weren't like her form were oarful or anything, an' it didn't hurt me peepers none when her was naked, but I were there fer a whippin' n' a bit o' discipline, not fer her ta make me arthritis any stiffer than it were. And I always knew'd I were in fer an extra 'ard time when her came in wearin' only that thar pink feather boa o' hers....it were 'ard cos I'd near die larfin' from the ticklin' it done n' not be able ta catch me breath.

Oh well, her'll be at 'ome wiv them transvestite fellers in da longboat....looked ta me like them thar nancy boys would take kindly ter a ticklin'

I can appreciate how you feel as I went through a lot of it as a child and a teenager.

Thanks for your kind thoughts, Jen. I always found that a difficult subject to cope with at the best of times (at 17 I near beat a man to death after his daughter ran to my sister and I shortly after he had raped her), so participating in your blog would have led to distinct unpleasantries being fired off at anyone who offended my sensibilities regarding the matter....and with it being so close to home now, it would've been even harder for me to contain myself.

I hope she gets it together soon.

As do I and her mother, but sadly, given what we've learnt/are still discovering, we don't see it happening any time soon. We have tried in vain to tell her what she is doing is wrong (targetting adult men not boys of her own age), but still she totally disgregards everything we say to do as she pleases. Trouble is, she thinks she's ten foot tall and bullet proof, so our telling her that later she will deeply regret it all later falls on deaf ears and she continues on, regardless of who else she's hurting in the preocess. As it is, two of the men she seduced are going to prison (she's never been one to take no for an answer) and there could yet be more. Worse still, to our horror and disgust, we are just now discovering that she has been behaving this way since she was just 11 years old, yet we still cannot get the authorities to step in. They've denied us the right to intervene yet refuse to act on our behalf to protect her, not just from men, but also from herself.

Unfortunately, the relevant Tasmanian authorities behave as if they are a law unto themselves and answerable to nobody...they only act appropriately if and when they decide to (which is exceedingly rare), but not when they should be legally required to, nor to cater to parental and/or family needs. The men going to prison are not going because of any pressure, requests or insistence from us. Amazingly that was instigated by a retiring social worker, though probably more out of guilt than any sense of duty, decency or responsibility....she somehow had to be able to justify having drawn a 25 year salary whilst achieving absolutely nothing positive during that period, we thinks.

Enough of that...me blood's boiling, and if it goes on fer much longer I be likely ta lose me harm nobody/pacifist nature and take down a few pollies and bureaucrats , so 'ow about I ends up on a much 'appier note!!!

Missus starkers went ashore yesterday an' brough back a reel o' barbed wire....an' her promises to give I a good back scrub wiv it if I behaves meself. I be lookin' forward to thaaaat....just as much as coming 'ere to this thread. It 'ave provided us much comic relief and a great distraction from the 'arsher realities of life, so I wants ta thank ye all fer climbin' aboard n' bein' a paaaart of it....and a special thanks ta TheGuyPc, who 'elped make it all possible. Three cheers an' a bottle o' rum fer PC.

Bump

ere capt'n it looks like ta Guy Pc be lookin to come aboard an all? seems 'e be in good humor too!

Bump

Bump yerself.....in the arse an' git thee aboard proper like. It be no good bumpin' on tha gang plank if ye don't climb it ta be piped aboard all official like.

ere capt'n it looks like ta Guy Pc be lookin to come aboard an all? seems 'e be in good humor too!

That be alright....Bosun Gid, pipe Mr PC aboard will 'e!

Orright, whare be 'e? I don't 'ear no pipin'!

I bet 'e be down in tha 'old agin, wenchin' n' swillin' rum. First Mate Guy, ye'd best find that thar whisle n' pipe our distinguished guest aboard.....he be a very important person, bein' tha original founder o' the fleet n' all.

Now, PC, let's just git a few things straight 'ere! Ye be welome ta the rum n' wenches when ever ye likes, whatever be cookin' in tha galley, but if yer ever wants a whippin' from Mistress Jennifer, ye'll 'ave ta make an appointment, an' be sure it don't come afore mine. I needs me daily dose o' discipline ta remind me o' me responsibilities 'ere, an' me missus be a bit soft in that regaaaard...her kisses it all better when she be done.

An' speakin' o' whippin's, when ye sees that Bosun, Mistress Jennifer, give 'im a few lashes across 'is arse....he weren't there mannin' 'is cannon when us was scuttlin' that vessel just North of 'ere. He were probably too pickled in rum ta git up on desk, and 'e 'as other duties asides from swillin' n' wenchin', so give 'in six o' the best...but not 'til after I gets mine, cos I thinks I might be losin' me grip. There were a Froggie trader us could've sacked of all its booty, an' I missed givin' the order ta open fire.

At capt'n I be sendin ta cabin bot ta fin' 'im!

Just be sure it not be a cabin girl ye sends.....or us'll not be seein' im fer alot longer.

Ere now! What have them sharks ever done to you.

aye 'e be givin' im a right belly full!

arrghhhhhhhhhh

Bosun Gid has surface - yesterday - he popped 'is head out ta cabin for a second - now 'e be back there!